4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
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