There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
