She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
