Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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