1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
