You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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