you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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