My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
