apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I need to align my fucking chakras
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