I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
