Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
