After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
