officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
