god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
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Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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