Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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