so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
