Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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