There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
