I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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