mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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