I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
