dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
