please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
