He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
