she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
