Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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