six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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