its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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