So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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