ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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