You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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