She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
