I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
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For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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