I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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