Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
