Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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