Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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