In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
