she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
