dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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