So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
