He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
