ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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