She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
