On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
