3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
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