she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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