I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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