His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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