Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
