I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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