Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
