Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
