last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker