that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.