I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.