oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
