And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
