He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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