note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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