when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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